Lung Butter is best served chilled, with rye, toasted...

Picture this if you will.......
Start of my shift, go to check on all the patients and tuck them all in for the night. I walk into this 17 year old boy's room. He is neurologically not there (I won't even tell you how, too sad)and has a trach (for those of you who don't know what a trach is, it is an artifical airway made through the middle of their neck, so you basically have a hole in your neck). Anyway, it just smells like pure urine. So I roll up my sleeves, grab a new Diaper, get a bucket of water/soap and ready to do a serious scrub down. So I start rolling him around trying to change his bed (Yes, I am that awesome...I can change bed sheets while you are still in it...put that in your pipe and smoke it!). So I'm bent over him trying to hurry up when he kind of starts freaking out a little bit and starts coughing......
I SWEAR IT WAS LIKE SLOW MOTION!!!!!!
The HUGEST booger/snotness/nastiness/golf ball of lung butter flies out of his trach and lands right on the top of my head, in my hair. I immediately run into his bathroom and start dry heaving so profusely, that I turn to the garbage can and freaking loose my dang cookies! I then start washing it out of my hair and start dry heaving more! Luckily NO ONE was in the room, no parents, no other patients...what the heck would I have done if someone had been in there????
I actually have to stop typing about this because it is starting to come up again.